


The Real Aaron Hotchner

by Redsgae



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Aaron Hotchner Needs a Hug, Aaron Hotchner is just really depressed, Anxiety, Anxious Aaron Hotchner, Canon Past Child Abuse, Hurt Aaron Hotchner, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Protective Aaron Hotchner, Sad Aaron Hotchner, Slow Burn, There is a lot of detail, but like in a good way, implied suicidal thoughts, like R E A L L Y slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:33:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22866391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redsgae/pseuds/Redsgae
Summary: While on the plane home from a particularly difficult case, Dave makes a realization about his relationship with Aaron. The man lives two lives, Dave wants to help him understand that it's okay to not always be the stoic, brave, Agent Hotchner. Dave wants to get to know the real Aaron Hotchner but quickly learns he might have his work cut out for him.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/David Rossi, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid (Mentioned/To be expanded on in further chapters)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 78





	The Real Aaron Hotchner

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I've been meaning to write a fic for these two for a long time and I will defiantly be making more chapters to this fic in the future. Sorry, the first chapter is so long, I had a lot of backstory and explanation I wanted to fit in (READ TAGS FOR TRIGGER WARNINGS). This may seem a little OOC but that is kinda the point of the fic, the contrast between the part of Aaron that he shows and the part that he doesn't. Anyway, I hope y'all enjoy it! Please feel free to leave, suggestions and feedback in the comments! Without further ado, Enjoy! ~Red

Aaron sat across from Dave, looking out the window. There wasn’t much to see, it was dark and cloudy out, but Aaron didn’t seem to care, he was zoning out anyway, he seemed to do a lot more of that since Haley's death. It had been almost two months since Haley had been murdered by George Foyet, then adversely Foyet murdered by Aaron, but it was clear Aaron still hadn’t gotten over the whole thing. No one expected him to simply get “over it” in the least but he wasn’t exactly the open, sharing, type either. No one knew how to help him.

The dim lights of the cabin lit up Aaron’s face as Dave eyed him from the seat opposite. It was hard not to worry about the younger man, they all were worried but they were also smart enough to know that there was no use in asking Aaron if he was okay. They knew they would only get the same answer, a blunt lie. 

Dave looked away as Aaron raised a hand to his mouth, gently resting it under his chin and sighing softly, seeming to do it subconsciously because his head never moved, his mind never came back down to earth. 

Dave looked around for a second before looking back across the table at Aaron. Morgan and Reid had both already drifted off, Reid with his head gently rested on Morgan’s shoulder, that brought a slight smile to Dave’s face. Prentiss and JJ were talking quietly amongst themselves, bickering mostly, exchanging theories on the case from what Dave could overhear. They were in the seats back to him and Aaron so he didn’t have to worry about them noticing how he glared across the table at the younger man.

As Dave returned his gaze to the man opposite him, the smile on his face faded, Aaron looked… Unexplainably sad, not sad in a way that one could put words to, but you would know it if you saw it. Dave couldn’t help but wonder what was going on in Aaron’s head. He knew he should mind his own business but a profilers instinct was hard to turn off.

\--------------------------------------

Aaron’s hands were always cold. 

“A casualty of the job,” he called it. That always made Dave laugh. Aaron liked to make Dave laugh. In their profession, it seemed like something that didn’t come along often enough. Even with people like Reid and Morgan on the team, and of course, the life of the party, Garcia. Nevertheless, a laugh, a smile, it could mean everything in this profession. 

There was nothing Dave wouldn’t trade to see a smile on Aaron's face, the younger man seldom smiled. “A casualty of the job,” Dave had always sarcastically called it but part of him knew that wasn’t entirely true, it wasn’t entirely because of the job. Aaron had always been that way, at least as long as Dave had known him, as long as anyone one the team had. 

Aaron Hotchner, a man shrouded in seemingly infinite mystery, hidden behind a hundred masks and a hundred more layers. Once one layer was peeled back another was always right behind it. Sometimes Dave couldn’t help but wonder if he knew the _real_ Aaron Hotchner at all. If anyone did. 

That's not to say Dave didn’t know anything, he knew more than anyone else on the team did, although not more than Gideon had. He knew Aaron hid behind his badge, that the Aaron Hotchner that showed up to work every day wasn’t the same Aaron Hotchner that went home alone each night. He knew that Aaron’s father was a workaholic, abusive, son of a bitch. He knew that Sean had had a very different childhood then Aaron had and he could tell that Aaron resented him for that. Dave even knew that Aaron had an ever lingering fear of George Foyet even after his death, that he was terrified of losing those that he loved, including him and the rest of the team, they were his family to after all. Of course, Aaron hadn't told him any of that, he would never admit any of it, hell, Aaron dedicated most of his time trying his best to hide it all. Conceal it all behind his badge and gun. They were just things that Dave had pieced together in their time working together. Dave had never said anything to Aaron about it though, he knew those weren’t conversations that Aaron wanted to have and they weren’t conversations that he was really entitled to start. He knew Aaron Hotchner. At least that’s what he liked to tell himself but did he? Did anyone _really_ know Aaron Hotchner?

Aaron Hotchner, a man of a strict stoic forefront. Dave had to hand it to him for that, he had seen so much, been through so much yet he rarely let his mask slip. Dave couldn’t help but wonder if he really was always like that. With Jack? With Haley? He knew that Aaron and Haley’s relationship had been on the rocks before Foyet, Aaron had explained it by simply saying that he hadn’t dedicated enough time to them. Dave couldn’t help but wonder if that was really the truth, maybe that was the excuse Haley had used to but Dave couldn’t help but wonder. Him of all people, however, couldn’t jump to conclusions about that. He had been through three wives in this job, after all, he was fortunate enough not to have lost them in the same way Aaron had lost Haley. He couldn’t imagine what was going through his head these past few weeks. He wanted to help. He wanted to get to know the real Aaron Hotchner. 

Aaron Hotchner and the man with two lives each couldn't be more different than the other. The life of stoic, brave-hearted, Agent Hotchner. The man that everyone relied on, the one that couldn’t slip up, the one that had to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders. The man who took care of everyone else and never stopped to worry about himself. And the life of the much softer, gentler, dare Dave say, more vulnerable, Aaron Hotchner. The caring, loving, gentle, father. The one that would do anything to keep his demons hidden from his son, the one that never wanted his son to have the childhood that he did, never wanted his son to know the real cruelties of the world as he did. The father that just wanted to protect his son from everything that he knew. Dave supposed that in one way or another each version of Aaron carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. 

A crossing of his two lives was sure to end in catastrophe, Dave knew that much. He couldn't imagine what was going through Aaron’s head when Haley was murdered, he had spent all that time protecting Jack from his demons, from the world how he knew it, he protected Haley from it even, but all too soon it had come crashing into them. Foyet. The real world. Dave knew Aaron blamed himself for what happened. That wasn’t hard to see, he blamed himself when Foyet had first resurfaced and started killing again. Aaron had told Dave that much. Aaron had blamed himself for not catching him the first time, then when he got away Aaron blamed himself for not catching him a second time and now Haley was dead and he wasn’t. As far as Aaron was concerned that was all his fault, Dave could see it, they all could, but none of them knew how to make it better for him. They couldn’t help him. Maybe they didn’t know Aaron Hotchner. Aaron had spent all that time trying to protect Jack from his other life, trying to protect them from the reality that Agent Hotchner faced every day. In the end, it had all been for nothing, Foyet hadn’t just killed Haley he had killed her because of him because he hadn’t made the deal. Dave knew just as well as Aaron that he couldn’t have made the deal but he also knew that wouldn’t make him feel better. Dave knew Aaron Hotchner that well at least.

Dave had seen all of Aaron’s masks ripped off, all of his layers peeled back, seen him broken, vulnerable. Only once, they all had once. Right after Foyet had killed Haley, Aaron had been too late to save her. He had failed her. Aarons two lives had crashed together, and he hadn’t been prepared. Dave couldn’t help but think about it. The tears in his voice as he spoke to Haley over the phone, the butterflies in his own stomach after Foyet killed Haley. When Aaron hung up the phone. The panic when they entered the house, seeing Aaron there over Foyet in tears. In all of their years working together, as long as Dave had known him, he had never seen Aaron so raw, so vulnerable. Just thinking about it was enough to make the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. That was the only time Dave had ever seen Aaron let himself go, let himself fall apart. As much as he had hated to see him like that, he knew it was what Aaron needed. He probably needed it much more than he let on, much more often than he let on. Even then, he only let go for just a few seconds. Only a few seconds, after everything. A few seconds and his layers were mended and his masks replaced.

Dave knew Agent Hotchner, the one that had his back no matter what. The one that stood up for him, told him it wasn’t his fault when things went wrong. The stoic, hard-headed, head of the BAU. A man that would rather pretend not to care than to admit that he did. A man that would risk life and limb for any one of them on the team but never wanted any of them to know it, in that way Aaron and Agent Hotchner were the same, in a lot of ways. But the more Dave thought about it the more he realized, maybe he didn’t know the real Aaron Hotchner, not as well as he thought he did anyway. Maybe no one did. Maybe the real Aaron Hotchner was only for Aaron to know. A part of himself that he buried a long time ago along with the old memories that he had suppressed. Dave wanted to help Aaron find that part of himself again. He wanted to teach Aaron that he didn’t always have to live behind his badge. Show him that Aaron Hotchner was more vulnerable, gentler, softer and that that was okay. Dave wanted to show Aaron that he didn’t have to be Agent Hotchner all the time. Not around the team and certainly not around him. 

Dave wanted to know the real Aaron Hotchner. 

\--------------------------------------

A small shake of the plane brought Dave back down from his own thoughts. “Damn turbulence,” He grumbled to himself, looking around. JJ and Prentiss' small bickering had ceased, JJ had drifted off and Prentiss was reviewing a new case file that Hotch had given to them all. He had been three steps ahead in the past months after Haley’s death, that wouldn’t help the outcome of the cases but no one told him that. Reid and Morgan were still asleep. Dave gave one more look around before looking back across the table at Aaron. He had only slightly stirred from the turbulence, he was still staring blankly out the window, his elbow rested limply on the table, his hand under his chin. If Dave didn’t know better he’d say that Aaron’s hand was shaking. 

Dave couldn’t help but smile a little at the man across from him, zoning out and staring blankly out the window at the cloudy black sky. The older man shifted a little in his seat, blinking a few times, trying to focus his eyes in the dimly lit cabin. Aaron’s hand was shaking. Not much but surely enough it was. He stared for a second, almost not believing it. That’s how he knew Aaron was long lost in his own thoughts if he had been paying attention if he had known that there was even the slightest tremor in his hand he would have tucked it away long before in an attempt to hide it. Dave may not have known much about the real Aaron Hotchner but he did know that he was much more predictable than he thought himself to be.

Another round of slight turbulence rocked the cabin, this one knocking Aaron out of his thoughts. A shiver ran down his spine, he didn’t flinch. He never allowed himself to show that much so-called fear. He rubbed his eyes, taking a second to try and steady his slightly shaky hand before tucking it under the table, all before noticing Dave was staring at him from across the table. Aaron returned Dave’s for a minute, scanning the older man’s face.

Dave smiled a little, his eyes following Aaron’s hand to its resting place under the table. _“Predictable,”_ He thought to himself. As Aaron returned his stare, he could tell Aaron was trying to read him, see if he had noticed the tremor. 

“You look tired,” Dave remarked, grabbing the file Aaron now was reaching for with his steadier hand and sliding it out of his reach. Aaron was always trying to distract himself with work, just another part of his attempt to hide behind the badge. “When was the last time you slept through the night?”

The gesture earned Dave a slightly annoyed look from Aaron. “I’m fine. I can sleep when I get home,” He deflected, maintaining contact with Dave, reaching further for the file only to have Dave slide it further away.

 _“Typical Aaron,”_ Dave thought to himself. _“He knows I’ll suspect something if he looks away. Damn it, he’s good.”_ He slid the file further from Aaron’s reach. _“Blast his long arms.”_ He grumbled. _“I’m worried, Aaron.”_ He ran the words through his head. _“No, too cheesy,”_ he thought. _“I care about you, Aaron, I want to help… Definitely not that.”_ Dave wasn’t usually one to overthink what he said, but this was different, this had to mean something, it was important. He couldn’t say the wrong thing. If what he said wasn’t what Aaron wanted to hear, what he needed to hear, then the younger man would continue to hide behind his badge for sure. Dave had to phrase this right. It had to be perfect.

Aaron rolled his eyes slightly, reaching further still but not lifting his shaky hand from the place it resided under the table, resting gently in his lap. “He did see it.” Aaron thought. _”The tremor, he saw it. That’s why he’s messing with me. Damn it, Aaron. You have to be more careful not slip up around them. They depend on you. They can’t know that part of you.”_ He cursed himself under his breath. Somewhere along his thought process, his expression had shifted, only for a second but it had shifted. Shifted from the usual stern, hard, expression of Agent Hotchner a softer, kinder, sadder, expression. One Dave had never once seen, that he could recall. An expression of Aaron Hotchner. 

\--------------------------------------

In a way, Aaron supposed he didn’t really know himself. It was easy to get lost in the person he was always pretending to be, lost in Agent Hotchner. But sometimes, Aaron Hotchner was just someone he was pretending to be too, not that he wasn’t a caring, loving, gentle, father but there was an entire part of him that no one knew, that no one could know. A part of him that not even Haley knew. A weak, vulnerable part of himself that he hid where no one could find it, where he thought they couldn’t find it anyway. It was the part that remembered every case, every detail, the good ones and the bad.

The part of him that held all his childhood memories, damned childhood memories, that he wanted nothing more than to forget. The part of him that remembered his dear workaholic, abusive, drunkard of a father. Remembered every time his father would grab him by the foot, the wrist, the shirt collar, anything he could get ahold of and quite literally drag him outside, to beat the shit out of him, then would just leave him there. Aaron always thought that was the worst part. When his father was done “punishing” him for whatever he had done, or hadn’t, done. The man couldn’t even pretend to care, not even enough to look back. It got worse just before his mom gathered him and Sean and they ran from that house, ran and never looked back. Aaron had been spending most of his nights sleeping in the barn, bruised and bloodied after his father had dragged him out of bed in the middle of the night for the smallest of imperfections in something that he had done, beat him and locked him out. As he got older the beatings had gotten worse, part of him had gotten used to it, or had at least begin to expect it. The effects of his father had never really left him, he had made a lot of improvement since that day, the day he learned that running from his problems was way easier than facing them. 

They had left while his father was at work. Aaron had been silently terrified for months afterward that his father would find them, but after a while, he realized that his father hadn’t even been looking. After that day, for months, so much as the smell of alcohol, especially the cheap stuff, his father only ever drank the cheap stuff, made him uncontrollably anxious and nauseous, caused him to have panic attacks. That wasn’t even the worst of it, loud noises, for a long while afterward, it seemed like everything set him off. Yelling, god he hating yelling, still did to this day. He hated when other people yelled, he hated when he had to yell. He hardly ever yelled and never at Jack, but in this job every once in a while he had to raise his voice, it was inevitable and he hated it, it made him feel like his father. His father always yelled, yelled about how Aaron and his mother were “useless” or “pathetic” among other things, it was always when he was drunk and usually right before, after, or during some sort of beating. It was almost the words that hurt Aaron the most, the words that had helped shaped him into who he was today, the physical beatings too, sure, but the words are what really got him in the end. There is always more than one way to hurt someone, physical wounds heal, but words stick. 

Thankfully they had made it out before Sean was old enough to understand any of what had really happened, of course, he knew and understood now that he was older, but not in the same way that Aaron did. Sean didn’t really know their father, Aaron knew him too well. Of course, Aaron was beyond relieved that Sean didn’t have the same childhood as him, but part of him held onto a little bit of resent for it. He hated that resent and he knew it was unfair but he couldn’t help it. Sean had lived the loving happy childhood that he had always wanted while he spent the remainder of his in fear, running from his past. 

Aaron’s mother had tried to get him into counseling after they had made it out of there but that never helped him either, to this day, he couldn’t talk to therapists. It wasn’t that his stubbornness either or that he thought of them as shrinks or any of that, but talking about his problems had an uncanny ability to make them worse, increasing his anxiety and susceptibility to panic attacks tenfold between appointments. When he first started at the BAU Gideon had once ordered that he see a therapist after a particularly bad case, it hadn’t ended well. Gideon had discovered him having a panic attack in his office, thank god it had been late and no one else had been there but Gideon ended up wavering his mandatory counseling, with the promise that he would find a coping mechanism, Aaron had, whether it was a “healthy” one was debatable but it was one, and the problem hadn’t come up since. Except of course for Dave, he was observant and not the type to let observations like that slide. Aaron didn’t like to call it pushy or nosy, he knew Dave did it out of concern than anything else but nonetheless it got on his nerves sometimes. 

Aaron’s past was one of the main contributors to who he was today, or rather why Aaron Hotchner was who he was today. He had gotten good at hiding his imperfections, his demons, but he had no doubt that the team had figured him out, at least the basis of him. He was the leader of a team of five other particularly incredible profilers, he liked to think that he was good enough at hiding his demons that they didn’t notice but he knew they were better than that, way better. It made him anxious sometimes, thinking about all the things they might have already pieced together, but at the end of the day, Aaron could convince himself not to dwell on it as long as he didn’t have to talk with them about any of it. He hated having to talk about his problems, it was part of the reason therapists gave him anxiety and panic attacks, he didn’t know how to reiterate his trama without also reliving it. It made him feel helpless, out of control, he hated it. He had to feel like he was in control, it was the only thing that kept him level headed in this job, in this life. The second he lost control in his life was the second everything always went wrong. When his father would get to him when he would miss an obvious unsub when he wouldn’t be fast enough to catch Foyet before he got to Haley. It was those moments that the real Agent Hotchner shined though.

Dave was right, in part, Agent Hotchner and Aaron Hotchner were definitely two different parts of himself, but the older man wasn’t right entirely. There was an entire third part of Aaron, that no one knew. The part that wanted to run and hide when things got hard, the part that wanted to flinch every time a door slammed, that wanted to scream every time a case went sideways. That looked in the mirror and saw the scars that Foyet left and hated himself for still being alive, hated himself because his life somehow had had more meaning, he somehow deserved to be alive anymore then Haley had, so she had died and he had to live with that. Live with the fact that she was dead because of him. The part of him that looked in the mirror and saw the man his father had turned him into, not who he actually was. 

He was Agent Hotchner, the stoic brave-hearted man that could take on anything, he liked to tell himself that anyway. He knew it wasn’t true, he was Aaron Hotchner, the man that no one really knew and that he didn’t want anyone to. The one that cried himself to sleep at night after a long day or a hard case, the one that spent his life just barely gripping the edge of sanity, that would one day fall into his own dark thoughts and never be able to escape. That was him, the _real_ him. The one that couldn’t even look into the mirror with wanting to break it, the one who grew up afraid of his own father, the one that couldn’t talk about his problems without having a panic attack, that was him. He hated that it was, but it was. He wasn’t who anybody thought he was at all, not even a little and if they knew his real story, if they knew the _real_ Aaron Hotchner, they would hate him too, he was sure of it. That’s why they couldn’t know, no one could. 

\--------------------------------------

Aaron had fixed his expression just as soon as he had noticed it had shifted but that didn’t stop Dave, who was hyper-focused on maintaining eye contact with him as well as keeping the file away from him, from noticing. _“Damn.”_ He thought. _“What do I do? Should I just give it to him?”_ He lifted the corner of the file with his thumb, trying to gauge whether or not to hand it over to Aaron. He was perplexed by the look that had crossed the younger man’s face just then. _“Why now?”_ Dave thought. _“After all this time, Aaron Hotchner is shining through the cracks. Could it be because of Haley’s death? Maybe he was there the whole time and I just never noticed. God, what kind of friend am I? I don’t even know him.”_ He sighed a little, gaining a slightly concerned look from Aaron, who still refused to look away, staring him down but also looking fed up with this game of keep away. _“How typical. He lets it slip for me. He’s always concerned about us but never about himself.”_

_“Keep him focused on you and he won’t notice the tremor,”_ Aaron thought anxiously, as he lifted his shaky hand under the table, maintaining eye contact with Dave and reaching across the table for the file all in one swift movement. _“With this arm, I can reach it,”_ He thought to himself, reaching for the file, Dave couldn’t slide it any further away from him. He just wanted the damn file, something to focus that didn’t have to do with the awful thoughts circling his conscience. Was that really too much to ask? 

Aaron’s hand skimmed the file, Dave tried, unsuccessfully, to push it further from the younger man.

_“Damn his long arms!”_ Dave thought, trying to think of what to do, what to say, he couldn’t say the wrong thing, but he couldn't find the right thing. _“Maybe I should gi--”_ His thoughts stopped abruptly when Aaron’s hand grasped the corner of the file. Without thinking, almost instinctively, Dave raised his free hand from the table, crossing it over his body and gently grabbing Aaron’s hand, his other hand pushing the file into the table.

Aaron’s hand immediately released the file, a quiet spiked breath, if Dave didn’t know better he would have called it a gasp, escaped the younger man’s lips. His eyes flicked from Daves to their hands then back to Dave, breaking his glare for the first time since he had looked across the table, to begin with. Aaron looked surprised but made no attempt to pull his hand away, as a matter of fact, he didn’t move at all, his eyes flickering from Dave’s hand in his back to return Dave’s gaze. His expression changed again, only this time he didn’t _“fix”_ it. His thoughts took over again, only this time it wasn’t the dark ones. Not the ones he worked so hard to bury deep within himself, not Agent Hotchner’s or Aaron Hotchner’s thoughts, just his own.

Dave could hardly believe his eyes as Aaron’s facial expression changed it was as if the man was shapeshifting right in front of him. His stare became softer his eyes no longer like daggers staring into his. The fragment of a smile crossed Aaron’s face, gone as quickly as it appeared but Dave couldn’t help but mimic it. He realized then what he had been missing before, he was overthinking what he was going to say and worrying about saying the wrong thing, but he saw now. He didn’t have to say anything, maybe it was better that he hadn’t. He didn’t have to tell Aaron he was there for him, Aaron knew that. Dave had to show him that he was. He couldn’t help but grin when he felt Aaron’s hand squeeze his gently. “Your hands are cold.” He remarked softly, to the younger man that sat across from him.

The shadow of a smile grew across the younger man's face. “It’s a casualty of the job,” Aaron responded, Dave laughed. Aaron’s smile widened, a quiet chuckle escaping his lips. Aaron liked to make Dave laugh. In this profession, a laugh, a smile, could mean everything. To Aaron, it did mean everything.


End file.
